why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
