seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
babies were throwing up all over the place
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
