Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
