Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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