I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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