how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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