why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
