So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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