Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
