drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
