Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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