What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
