The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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