Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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