Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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