meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
