are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
