took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
