im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
