Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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