my soul wont recognize me after tonight
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
