Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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