so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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