Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
