Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
