Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
