My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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