A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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