Small penises have feelings too.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
