Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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