I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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