I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
