for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
