I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
