and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
