I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
