**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
