So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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