I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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