hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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