Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
