He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
