Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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