Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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