My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
