Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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