and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
