i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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