watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
