Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
