It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
