I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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