Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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